Mr. Man’s not doing it right

Opinion

November 14, 2012

Mr. Man’s not doing it right

Jan Wells Cordele Dispatch The Cordele Dispatch Wed Nov 14, 2012, 05:55 PM EST

Cordele — There are five little words that no man on the face of the earth can bear to hear, words so jagged, they can fell the mightiest king and destroy the strongest general.

Rather than utter these words to your man, you may as well deprive him of red meat…a punishment he would likely prefer over the dreaded five words. And no, I am not referring to that time-honored phrase, “Pick up your socks, idiot.”

Any man worth his salt can deal with the socks command. When confronted with “pick up your socks,” most men will nod their head in agreement and go about their business, later using forgetfulness as a defense.

“I’m sorry baby…I was caught up in the Georgia-Florida game and forgot all about the socks,” he’ll whine, with a puppy dog look on his face.

I’m forced to remark, this is a trick men learned from their fathers and continue to pass down to their sons, along with other tricks of the trade, like feigning strep throat when it’s time to clean the garage.

“Oh, baby…I think I’m dying…take me to the hospital,” he’ll groan in a raspy whisper.

Back to those five forbidden words…which have nothing to do with the empty threat, “I’m going home to Mother.”

That threat, I’m ashamed to admit, is as old as the hills, and if you have ever gone out on a limb and tried it, you are well aware that it got you nowhere in a hurry. Not only do they know we don’t mean it, they know that if we do go through with it, we’ll soon be back.

That’s because they think we know that we’ve never had it so good, but the truth is we’re too lazy to take the time to look for another one and break him in. Either way, it’s a win-win for the man.

No, the five little words I’m speaking of have caused every man who ever lived…from Adam, to Hitler, to Patton, to modern day men around the world…to grind their teeth in unbearable agony.

“You’re not doing it right.”

Believe it or not, ladies, these five words are far more devastating to a man’s ego than telling him, “My ex-husband is smarter than you.”

And, on top of that, you’ll do far less damage to the relationship if, in a moment of weakness, you say, “I despise your mother.”

Don’t get me wrong, these comments will not endear you to him, but, “you’re not doing right” will come close to getting you killed. I know from experience.

On my way home the other evening, my flat tire thingy lit up, so naturally, as a damsel in distress, I phoned Mr. Man, who instructed me to meet him in Stripling’s parking lot where he would put air in the tire.

As he checked each tire with his handy-dandy gauge, calling out the pressure, I got a wild hair and said, “You’re not doing it right.”

“You’ve got too much mouth,” he barked.

I never said I was one to learn an easy lesson.

“I still don’t think you’re doing it right.”

Mr. Man’s cheeks expanded like a toady frog.

“It’s a good thing I don’t own a gun,” he bellowed. “I’d have to use it to shut you up.”

Note to self: If Mr. Man should come home with a gun, remember, never say, “You’re not doing it right.”

Text Only

Opinion

Don't miss Taste of Home cooking school
For several months, we have planned, solicited sponsors, volunteers, vendors, door prizes and gift bag stuffers, and now our big day is almost here.

June 8, 2013
Life, liberty, and…..healthcare
It’s no secret that I have been having some issues with my health lately. Some of these issues are relatively minor and some are a little more complicated, but none of them are any of your business so don’t expect me to air out my long johns just because I can’t find a topic this week

June 6, 2013
Seizure of AP records insult to independent press
Distrust of government secrecy has been elevated to an exceptional level with the disclosure the Justice Department covertly examined two months of Associated Press phone records to determine who leaked details to the AP about a foiled terrorist plot.

May 18, 2013
Eyewitness gives account of Boston Marathon bombings
BOSTON, MA — Rushing to the streets to help runners, my eyes stared vacantly in disbelief. Is this actually happening today at The Boston Marathon?

April 27, 2013
Letter to the editor:
Dear Editor
I recently learned that an employee working for the Dooly County School System was discharged from the military because of a “personality disorder.”

April 22, 2013
Life, liberty, and…..abuse?
April is Child Abuse Awareness Month, which is a heavy burden to put on April, which is already working to promote awareness for cancer, severe weather, autism, parkinson’s disease, sexual assault, stress, sexually transmitted diseases, alcohol, and includes a ‘special’ week for volunteers.

April 18, 2013
What should have happened in the legislature during 2013
(Editor’s Note: David Pennington’s synopsis of the recent legislative session appeared in the Thursday, April 11 Cordele Dispatch. What follows is his opinion about what should have happened while the Georgia representatives and senators were in Atlanta).

April 13, 2013
The view from inside the schools
(Editor’s note: In light of recent events and accusations surrounding Wilcox County and segregated proms here is an excerpt from a posting on the home page for Wilcox County Schools).

April 8, 2013
Life, liberty, and…..the west coast?
Thankfully, just when most humor writers are looking around for material, somebody on the west coast does something stupid for us. How patriotic!

April 4, 2013
Death not a 'dead end'
This past week, a former local minister pointed out the irony of this road sign at the intersection of 8th Ave. and 1st St. in Cordele.

March 30, 2013 1 Photo
More Opinion Headlines

Opinion

Search Results

Mr. Man’s not doing it right

Site Map

Contact Us