By CLAY MERCER
Okay, class, pop quiz! Get out a pencil and a piece of paper and write down the thirteen states that seceded from the United States to form the Confederate States of America.
No, this article is not about either The War or The South. It’s about growing up Southern, which is closely connected to The War and The South, but not completely defined by either one.
Growing up Southern is not the same thing as growing up in The South. You may be betting that it is, but I’m betting that it’s not. Here goes.
First of all, the thirteen states that seceded from the United States are, in alphabetical order, Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Virginia.
Hold on a second. Those of us that live below the gnat line may well consider some of these states as ‘damn Yankee states.’ I apologize for the use of profanity, but I was in high school before I found out that ‘damn Yankee’ was not one word. In deference to friends I have that either live, or were born, in the North, I will, however, capitalize the word ‘Yankee.’
I have friends that think that just because they were born in The South, that makes them ‘Southern.’ As Amy Hughes says, “If your cat had kittens in the oven, that wouldn’t make them biscuits, now would it?”
Indeed not. Well, how do you know if you grew up Southern? Conveniently, I have a few clues.
If you ever had a “play pretty,” you probably grew up Southern, especially if somebody ever took your play pretty away. If you don’t know what a play pretty is, please form a line outside next to the pop machine.
If you ate your meals at the “dinner table,” then you grew up Southern.
If it never snowed more than once every fifteen years while you were growing up, you probably grew up Southern.
If you were ever in a “knock-down-drag-out” fight, you grew up Southern. A knock-down-drag-out fight is simply an extended argument with lots of yelling, generally over something so trivial but yet so important that both parties wanted to bow up and fight somebody. Engaging in fisticuffs doesn’t count.
If you grew up using a courtesy title with another person’s first name, as a sign of respect, you grew up Southern. For those of you lined up at the pop machine, that would be calling Mr. and Mrs. Charles Miller, “Mr. Charles and Miss Joyce.” Nobody does that but people that grew up Southern.
If you still call your mama, “Mama,” you probably grew up Southern.
If your mama grew up Southern, then you grew up Southern, even if, where you grew up, it snowed more than once every fifteen years and everybody else called your mama by her first name without a courtesy title.
If the thought of someone calling your mama by her first name without a courtesy title makes you want to bow up and fight, then you grew up Southern.
And finally, if you ever got to do something, “to your little heart‘s content,” then you grew up Southern. People that didn’t grow up Southern never got to do anything to their little heart’s content, which goes a long way toward explaining why we seceded from the Union.
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