By CLAY MERCER
Okay, class, pop quiz! Get out a pencil and a piece of paper and write down the thirteen states that seceded from the United States to form the Confederate States of America.
No, this article is not about either The War or The South. It’s about growing up Southern, which is closely connected to The War and The South, but not completely defined by either one.
Growing up Southern is not the same thing as growing up in The South. You may be betting that it is, but I’m betting that it’s not. Here goes.
First of all, the thirteen states that seceded from the United States are, in alphabetical order, Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Virginia.
Hold on a second. Those of us that live below the gnat line may well consider some of these states as ‘damn Yankee states.’ I apologize for the use of profanity, but I was in high school before I found out that ‘damn Yankee’ was not one word. In deference to friends I have that either live, or were born, in the North, I will, however, capitalize the word ‘Yankee.’
I have friends that think that just because they were born in The South, that makes them ‘Southern.’ As Amy Hughes says, “If your cat had kittens in the oven, that wouldn’t make them biscuits, now would it?”
Indeed not. Well, how do you know if you grew up Southern? Conveniently, I have a few clues.
If you ever had a “play pretty,” you probably grew up Southern, especially if somebody ever took your play pretty away. If you don’t know what a play pretty is, please form a line outside next to the pop machine.
If you ate your meals at the “dinner table,” then you grew up Southern.
If it never snowed more than once every fifteen years while you were growing up, you probably grew up Southern.
If you were ever in a “knock-down-drag-out” fight, you grew up Southern. A knock-down-drag-out fight is simply an extended argument with lots of yelling, generally over something so trivial but yet so important that both parties wanted to bow up and fight somebody. Engaging in fisticuffs doesn’t count.
If you grew up using a courtesy title with another person’s first name, as a sign of respect, you grew up Southern. For those of you lined up at the pop machine, that would be calling Mr. and Mrs. Charles Miller, “Mr. Charles and Miss Joyce.” Nobody does that but people that grew up Southern.
If you still call your mama, “Mama,” you probably grew up Southern.
If your mama grew up Southern, then you grew up Southern, even if, where you grew up, it snowed more than once every fifteen years and everybody else called your mama by her first name without a courtesy title.
If the thought of someone calling your mama by her first name without a courtesy title makes you want to bow up and fight, then you grew up Southern.
And finally, if you ever got to do something, “to your little heart‘s content,” then you grew up Southern. People that didn’t grow up Southern never got to do anything to their little heart’s content, which goes a long way toward explaining why we seceded from the Union.
Opinion
Life, liberty, and….self expression?
- Opinion
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Former track star humbled
Dear Editor:
I truly appreciate the Cordele Dispatch allowing me this space today to extend a “thank you” forty years late. -
Mr. Man is peculiar
Men are peculiar creatures. I suppose, now that I’ve laid that provocative declaration on the table, you’ll want solid proof to back it up, though proving it will not be a difficult task; all I have to do is point to…Mr. Man.
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Life, liberty, and .….accessories?
Spartanburg, South Carolina, is not the cultural center of the universe. I am qualified to make that statement based on my experiences in Spartanburg which include The Hearon Traffic Circle, The Midnight Sun, and Wofford College.
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Watch for motorcycles
Editor:
May is recognized as Motorcycle Safety Awareness Month, and Leather and Lace MC would like to take this opportunity to address both safety and awareness. -
Mr. Man and childhood obesity
Mr. Man has a fat grandson. The kid lives in Texas, so we rarely see him, but according to pictures on Facebook, he is fat.
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Life, liberty, and .….springtime?
Spring is officially here. I don’t care about the calendar, the baseball season, the basketball playoffs, Easter, when the Confederate Jasmine blooms, when the robins come through, when the sand hill cranes fly, or what the temperature does.
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TSPLOST questions & answers
What does TSPLOST stand for?
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Victim thanks officers
(A story about a robbery at gunpoint ran in Thursday’s Cordele Dispatch. As is the paper’s policy, the victim was not identified. He submitted a letter of thanks, but asked that he still not be identified.
We are honoring his request because of the circumstances. Sheriff Donnie Haralson and other officers know who he is). -
Life, liberty, and …vacations?
Vacations are a time to get away and escape the humdrum of your normal life. Some couples I know like to take a trip about once a quarter, just get out of town.
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Mr. Man and spilled milk
We’ve come a long way, baby, but women are still second class citizens...I haven’t heard Helen Reddy roar in quite a while.
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