20.05 things we loved about 2005

Jeremiah Tucker, Rachel Kubicek and Scott Meeker

— Sure, we could have listed 2,005 of our favorite pop-culture moments from the last 12 months. We could have even narrowed that list down to, say, the top 200.5. But, really, who has that kind of time? So here, in no particular order, are 20.05 of our favorite moments of the year.

1. ‘Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith’

Burned to a crisp, Anakin was. Darth Vader did he become. Born Luke and Leia were. Into hiding Obi-Wan and Yoda went. Ended this series has. Our lives get on with, we must.

2. Russell Crowe’s phone rage

Concierge: I hope you enjoy your stay at the Mercer Hotel, Mr. Crowe. Crowe: Thanks, mate. Concierge: By the way, probably not a big deal, but we no longer leave Andes mints on the pillows. We’re sorry for ... (Crowe breaks the concierge’s face with a phone.) Crowe: You just had hell unleashed all over your face, mate. Think about that next time you replace Russell Crowe’s after-dinner mint.

3. ‘South Park’

The Nov. 16 “Trapped in the Closet” episode was one of the best in recent memory, savagely skewering Scientology (best bit — the “This is what they really believe” tag line), R. Kelly’s multi-chapter opus and a long-standing rumor about Tom Cruise.

4. Nick and Jessica split Are prenups made out of chicken or tuna?

5. The Michael Jackson trial and Willy Wonka

Snarky movie and social critics were keen on drawing comparisons between Johnny Depp’s depiction of the classic Roald Dahl character and the allegations brought against the King of Pop. But c’mon, while Depp’s Wonka may have been pale and eccentric, he plied children with magic confections while Jackson allegedly used booze and porn. That said, both the trial and the movie were fascinating, if a little creepy.

6. ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin’

For turning “Kelly Clarkson!” into the most awesome new obscenity in years and reminding us that you’ve got to be out of your mind to get your chest waxed.

7. Chris Rock hosts the Oscars

Having the edgy comedian host the Oscars was brilliant. But given his assault on the Hollywood establishment, it will likely turn out to be a one-time-only gig. Highlight: Sean Penn’s humorless defense of Jude Law - who now likely wishes he was still just known as the guy Chris Rock made fun of for being in every other movie in 2004. (See No. 19.)

8. ‘Being Bobby Brown’

It was like watching a bad train wreck unfolding right in front of our eyes. Could we look away? Hell to the no, as Whitney would say.

9. Harry Potter

The young wizard learned the secret of the Half-Blood Prince on the page, and entered the Triwizard Tournament on the screen. One thing is certain, the cast of the film series will need some serious polyjuice potion to not look 30 by the time they catch up to J.K. Rowling’s seventh book.

10. Martha’s ‘Apprentice’

The main reason the recent parolee’s “Apprentice” spin-off flopped was simply that the domestic diva was just too nice. Ratings would have been higher with some swearing, a few temper tantrums and the hurling of kitchen utensils at her underlings. In other words, we want more reality in our reality TV.

11. R. Kelly — “Trapped in the Closet”

There are rumors that R. Kelly is mentally deficient, but Kells is dumb like a fox to weave such a brilliantly convoluted R&B; opera featuring a trigger-happy philanderer, a closeted gay pastor, a crooked, cuckolded policeman, a pie-loving midget and Rose, the nosy neighbor with a spatula in her hand (”like that’s gon to do something against them guns”). Here’s hoping for many chapters yet to come.

12. TomKat

Tom Cruise had a busy year — he jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch, got engaged to Katie Holmes, took on Matt Lauer, had water squirted in his face, insulted Brooke Shields, took the entire psychiatric profession to task, announced his impending fatherhood and bought himself his own sonogram machine. Just thinking about it all makes us want to head down to the Scientology center for a thorough thetan cleansing.

13. “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

In 2004, Kanye West publicly slighted country superstar Gretchen “Redneck Woman” Wilson, and, in one of the most candid moments of 2005, he slammed Bush on national television. Mike Myers’ stunned look of disbelief was priceless.

14. Ashlee Simpson: Fast-food fighter

We imagine Ashlee said something like, “You want some pieces ... pieces ... pieces of me?” to start something with the McDonald’s employee before launching herself over the counter. But then it turned out that she didn’t actually say it, but mouthed along to a pre-recorded track. Then she did a funny little jig and backed down.

15. ‘Britney and Kevin: Chaotic’

Britney has been working overtime to shed her image of every last ounce of sexiness. Watching homemade videos of her relationship with one of her backup dancers finally did the trick.

16. Celebrity relationships

Thanks to their publicists and non-stop tabloid coverage, we followed every detail of the hookups — Angelina stole Brad, Jen found Vince, Paris found Paris, Renee wed Kenny and Ben salvaged the “Bennifer” moniker by finding another Jennifer (Garner, this time) — and the breakups — Jen and Brad officially divorced, Renee dumped Kenny, and Paris split from Paris.

17. Elton John weds

Elton John and David Furnish have been together 11 years — or roughly 10 times longer than all of the above relationships combined.

18. Ashton and Demi marry

OK, Ashton. The set-up has gone far enough. What are you going to do? Wait for your youngest son to blow out the birthday candles at his 10th birthday party and then tell your entire family, “You guys just got Punk’d!”? Because this is still an elaborate practical joke, right?

19. The Trials of Law

Did you happen to catch Jude Law’s 1999 film “I Love You, I Love You Not,” not to be confused with his other 1999 film, “Love, Honor and Obey”? If you missed it, he gave us all a chance to catch them both this year. Now, even Hugh Grant pities him.

20. 50 Cent vs. The Game

During a live radio interview on a New York hip-hop station, 50 Cent said he was kicking his protégé, The Game, out of his G-Unit posse. Before the interview was even over, someone from The Game’s crew allegedly shot a member of 50 Cent’s entourage at the radio station. Now that’s service! FEMA could learn a thing or two about expediency from The Game.

20(.05) Chris Klein’s interview in Elle

Random quote: “I try to treat all women with respect whether they’re pretty or ugly. I want to be nice and be like, ‘Wow, thanks for the attention. But get out of my face.’”

Wow. Suddenly, we realize why ex-fiancee Katie Holmes thinks Tom Cruise’s couch-jumping histrionics seem like a breath of fresh air.

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