BY CLAY MERCER
You know you have too many animals when your veterinarian invites you to her family’s Fourth of July party.
I was not surprised by the invitation. Neither would I have been surprised if they had announced a new surgical wing on the Macon County Veterinary Hospital named in my honor.
The foundation for our menagerie is our equine herd, which includes three grown horses, an adolescent donkey, and a young gelding I recently bought.
Horses have gotten cheap in the last couple of years, and a lot of people who have never been able to afford to buy a horse are getting in the horse business.
Which explains why people wind up buying horses who are completely wrong for them, and then, because they paid too much for the horse, are unwilling to sell their horse for $50, which is what he was worth in the beginning.
Another reason people buy the wrong kinds of horses is that they don’t know how to read a classified advertisement which promotes a horse for sale. Which is where I come in.
Ladies and Gentlemen, let me translate for you a number of popular terms used in horse classifieds. These jewels come to you courtesy of the Market Bulletin, a production of the Department of Agriculture.
“Champion Bloodlines” is a classic. That means the horse is registered. Period.
“Bathes/Clips/Loads” means that horse is as calm as a rock until you get the saddle out.
“Must see to appreciate” means that no one in the family can ride that horse.
“Ideal for breeding” means the horse is ideal for use as a bucking horse in the next rodeo.
“Exp. Ri.” is an abbreviation meaning, “Experienced Rider.” This means the owner is probably still paying medical bills from the last time this horse tossed him/her into the briar patch.
With donkeys, the term “good pasture guard” means the donkey bites anything that moves.
“Will deliver” means the owner is extremely desperate to get rid of a horse. It also means that if you drive into his yard with a trailer, that horse will probably jump the fence and run off, just like he did the last time.
“Must sell” means the person who is actually paying the bills says the horse has to go, or else.
“Started under saddle” means they bought the horse unbroken, found out it was going to cost more to train the horse then they paid for the horse, and have decided they’d rather sell the horse instead.
“To good home only” means that if you have cash money, you have a good home.
“Excellent health” means they just paid the vet $400 for a farm visit to treat a colic and they have no intentions of doing that again, ever.
I think you get the general idea. The people who put these advertisements in the market bulletin are not sitting tearfully contemplating the loss of a beloved pet, faithful to the family, who taught all of the grandchildren how to ride. Not on your life.
There are two kinds of people who sell horses in the Market Bulletin: those people who horse trade for a living and those people who have a horse and have decided they’re rather go to the bank than to the feed store.
